Onderwerp: Jokes

glad to be at your service :p

all flights in Europe got cancelled

and she was living in US :))
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NO! YOU ARE RUINING JOKE OF THE CENTURY! LEAVE AND NEVER RETURN!

you are not my mate, and you are not my fellow deejaaay! goodbye forever!!

kevin and perry :)

Great joke:

Your mum's so hairy they filmed "Gorillas of the Mist" in her shower

Old, old, old.

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."

Man: What's that smell?

Wife: I can't smell anything.

Man: Neither can I, Get that fucking cooker on.

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A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."

As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those fucking Rowntree's Randoms!"

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I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."
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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

Once there lived a young writer. He dreamed that on one time people would scream, cry and be in great desper, when they read his storys. He works now in Microsoft and writes 'error' messages.
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Bill Gates died and he met Saint Peter in the gates of heaven. Saint Peter said:
"I don't know what do to with you. You have done world a much better place and have created a lot of great technologys, but Windows Vista was just *******. You know what, I'll let you watch hell and heaven and you can decide, what you will like more."
In hell there was a beatiful beach and a lot of beautiful naked wimen, so Gates decides to go there. After a week Peter wisits Bill Gates, who is trapped against a rock and is in great paines.
"What happened t a hell with beach and wimen?" screams Gates.
Saint Peter: "It was a demo."

Four blokes spent weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote and disconnected spot.

Two days before they are due to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going.

His mates are naturally pissed off that he can't go, but what can they do, so they decide to push on.

Two days later the three fellas arrive at the remote camp site to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire.

Steve: 'Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?'

Dave: 'I've been here since last night. Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.'

'And then she said:' 'Do whatever you want.'

So here I am..

:D

:-p

brilliant :D

A new priest at his first Mass was so scared he could hardly speak. After the service he asked the monseigneur how he had done.
"Fine - but next week it might help you if a little Vodka or Gin was put in you water to relax you".

The next week the new priest put Vodka in his water and really kicked up a storm. After Mass he asked the Monseigneur how he had done this time.
"Fine" he said "but next week there are a few things you should correct".

- There are 10 commandments - not twelve
- There are twelve disciples not ten
- David slew Goliath - he didn't kick the shit out of him
- We don't refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- Next Saturday there will be a taffy contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
- The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not Big Daddy, Junior and Spook
- Moses parted the water at the Red Sea - he did not pass water
- We do not refer to Judas as El Finko
- The Pope is consecrated - not castrated and we do not refer to him as the Godfather
- When the multitude were fed with loaves and fishes Jesus did not mention chips

nice one, but i like it more in romanian( first time read it in romanian, it was better)