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Onderwerp: Jokes
nice one, but i like it more in romanian( first time read it in romanian, it was better)
My girlfriend got fired from work and came home distraught and asked me to console her.
So i threw my xbox at her head
So i threw my xbox at her head
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
:)
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
:)
*bing bong* This is a passenger announcement, the train on platform 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 and 12 has come in sideways.
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
"The one at your country house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"
"Si, Senor Rod.."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod"; she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . ..
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit . . . ."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
"The one at your country house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"
"Si, Senor Rod.."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod"; she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . ..
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit . . . ."
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "Congratulations" but none of them rub your dick and say "well done"?
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything... I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems I misunderstood her when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
They reckon that beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk crap and can't drive!
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "Congratulations" but none of them rub your dick and say "well done"?
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything... I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems I misunderstood her when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
They reckon that beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk crap and can't drive!
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"
some might consider this joke a little racist :P
"If you have 3 apples
And Jamal takes 2...
...........................
What color is Jamal?" :D
"If you have 3 apples
And Jamal takes 2...
...........................
What color is Jamal?" :D
racist jokes are awesome and you shouldn't be intimmidated by posting them :)
How to get to Heaven from Scotland .....
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school
class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car,
had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that
get me Into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned
the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy,
would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would
that get me Into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv
goat tae be fukin' deid"
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school
class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car,
had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that
get me Into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned
the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy,
would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would
that get me Into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv
goat tae be fukin' deid"