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Onderwerp: Jokes
Similarities between the World Cup and Obama: Over-rated, foreign people love it, the Kenyan team wins, and it only happens once in 4 years.
That's weak ;-)
Long time no see, Sir.
Long time no see, Sir.
o If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
o Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.
o Avoid rape – say yes.
o Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
o Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
o My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex,she objects.
o Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
o Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
o When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – don’t and stop, unless they are used together.
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Taxi driver: Mam, u r the 3rd pregnant lady whom I’m dropping to Airport today
Lady: But I’m not pregnant
Driver: But we hvn’t reached airport yet
o Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.
o Avoid rape – say yes.
o Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
o Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
o My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex,she objects.
o Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
o Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
o When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – don’t and stop, unless they are used together.
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Taxi driver: Mam, u r the 3rd pregnant lady whom I’m dropping to Airport today
Lady: But I’m not pregnant
Driver: But we hvn’t reached airport yet
Similarities between the World Cup and Obama: Over-rated, foreign people love it, the Kenyan team wins, and it only happens once in 4 years.
Kenyan team wins? Say what?
Kenyan team wins? Say what?
oh,sorry forgot to say it was the status of a US citizen, he meant Olimpics
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
*Robot slaps Son*
Son: OK,I went to the movies.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Toy Story.
*Robot slaps son again*
Son: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.
Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!
*Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.
*Robot slaps mom*
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
*Robot slaps Son*
Son: OK,I went to the movies.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Toy Story.
*Robot slaps son again*
Son: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.
Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!
*Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.
*Robot slaps mom*
Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife.
Can see it ending in tears though as she's fecking shite at snooker!
Can see it ending in tears though as she's fecking shite at snooker!
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played it on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played it on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
' Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
' Actually, no, ' he replied.
' Can you get him for me?
I need to speak to him, ' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
' I'm afraid I can't, ' breathed the bartender..
' Is there anything I can do? '
' Yes. I need you to give him a message, ' she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
' What should I tell him? ' the bartender managed to say.
' Tell him, ' she whispered,
' There's no toilet paper, hand soap ,
or paper towels in the ladies room
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
' Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
' Actually, no, ' he replied.
' Can you get him for me?
I need to speak to him, ' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
' I'm afraid I can't, ' breathed the bartender..
' Is there anything I can do? '
' Yes. I need you to give him a message, ' she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
' What should I tell him? ' the bartender managed to say.
' Tell him, ' she whispered,
' There's no toilet paper, hand soap ,
or paper towels in the ladies room
Alice had been going out with Fred for a week and after visiting his house for lunch one day was given a tour.
She was pleasantly suprised to see in his bedroom three shelves full of stuffed animals arranged neatly with the small animals on the bottom, medium on the middle and large on the top shelf.
She thought to herself, this guy is obviously sensitive,structured and neat and quite possibly mr right so decides to stay the night.
After a night of passion where she allows Fred to act out all his fantasies she wakes in the morning and kisses Fred on the shoulder, he rolls over and smiles..
Alice asks: how did you enjoy last night?
Pretty bloody good replies Fred.....Pick a prize from the middle shelf.
She was pleasantly suprised to see in his bedroom three shelves full of stuffed animals arranged neatly with the small animals on the bottom, medium on the middle and large on the top shelf.
She thought to herself, this guy is obviously sensitive,structured and neat and quite possibly mr right so decides to stay the night.
After a night of passion where she allows Fred to act out all his fantasies she wakes in the morning and kisses Fred on the shoulder, he rolls over and smiles..
Alice asks: how did you enjoy last night?
Pretty bloody good replies Fred.....Pick a prize from the middle shelf.