Onderwerp: Jokes

in your case algorithm is way more simplier

apple = death

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the United States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!

you forgot to change the second 'r' in rare ;)

Good joke as usual though :p

The 2nd r is silent like..... vewy weigh---a

;)

then I blame my old English teacher for wrong pronunciation teachings :p:p

hahaha nice one!

A young boy and a young girl are having a bit of a bragging contest.

"I've got 4 marbles" says the boy.
The girl comes back with, "I've got 5 marbles".

The boy says, "I've got 2 dollars".
The girl replies, "I've got 3 dollars".

The boy pulls his pants down and says, "I've got one of these".
The girl lifts her skirt and retorts, "I've got one of these, and with one of these I can get as many of those as I want!".

While dining, little Johny asks his mom:
'Mom, why is dad completely bald?'
'Because he is very clever my dear'-replies the woman.
'Hmm'.. utters Johny, 'then why do you have that much hair'

Mom: 'Shut up and eat your meal!!!'
(gewijzigd)

A cowboy steps in a pub. On the bar he sees a quite voluminous glass jar full of 50 $ banknotes. He asks the barman: ‘What should I do to win this jar with all it has in it?’

- ‘First you have to contribute with 50 $, that is the first condition.’ tells him the barman.
- ‘Done. Now, what have I to do?’ curiously asks the cowboy.
- ‘Well, answers the barman, you should carry out 3 missions: 1. To drink a bottle of tequila in 5 minutes; 2. Next door there is a Rottweiler which has an awful caries, you must pull out his tooth; 3. Upstairs there is a 90 years old woman who never had orgasms in her entire life, so you must bring her to orgasm before she dies.’

- ‘No prob mate, bring me the bottle’.
In 5 minutes, even faster, the bottle is empty. Then the cowboy enters the room where the dog lies ill. All visitors hear some screams, fight, culminating with heavy animal breath full of satisfaction.

- ‘Ok’ says our hero coming out, ‘where did you tell me was the old lady with the ill tooth?’

A farmer wanted to have his 200 hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster and told this to the market vendor.

The vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer bought Randy and took him back to the farm.

Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Randy a little pep talk: "Randy," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And with that, Randy strutted into the hen house.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But, Randy didn't stop there.

Randy went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Randy! You'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. Vultures were already circling.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "You stupid bugger, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you!!"



Randy opens one eye and whispers "Shhhhhhh, go away. The vultures are getting closer."

nice

haha!

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies "A Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Can you unhook my braces from your side-view mirror!"

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it...
I thought that was a bit harsh, so I gave it a dead leg instead.
...............

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint, I pushed her over...
.................

A YOUNG farmhand was sent into town to pick up some supplies. After he’d been gone for an hour or so he called up his boss and said, “Boss! Boss! I’ve got a big problem! I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in my bullbar! He’s still wriggling about and making all these horrible noises – what should I do?”
“In the back of the truck, there’s a shotgun,” said the wise old farmer. “Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops moving, you’ll be able to pull it out and throw it to the side of the road.”

The farmhand agreed that was a good idea and said goodbye, but about 10 minutes later he was back on the radio again.

“Boss, I did what you said – I shot the pig, then dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”

“So what’s the problem now?” snapped the farmer.

“The blue light on his motor bike is still flashing!”

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again

ROFL at the Bugatti one