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Onderwerp: Jokes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
................................................
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
.....................................................
Two guys are sitting in bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do, he does nothing. so again the first guy yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
After a pause the other man stands up , faces the guy and says.....
“Go home dad you’re drunk.”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
.....................................................
Two guys are sitting in bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do, he does nothing. so again the first guy yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
After a pause the other man stands up , faces the guy and says.....
“Go home dad you’re drunk.”
The Pope was on a long flight back to the Vatican and was doing a crossword to help pass the time. The aide sitting next him asks, "How are going with the crossword, Your Holiness?". The Pope replies, "I think I've finished it but I'm not sure about this one; a four letter word for a woman ending in 'u', 'n', 't'". The aide says, "That would be 'aunt', Your Holiness". The Pope responds, "Aah! Of course ......... have you got an eraser?".
An adorable little girl all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, Excuthe me mithter do you keep widdle wabbits?
The shopkeepers heart melts and points at a glass cage. Do u want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?
The little girl rocks on her heels puts her hands on her knees leans forward and says in a quiet voice.
I dont fink my python weally gives a phuck !
The shopkeepers heart melts and points at a glass cage. Do u want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?
The little girl rocks on her heels puts her hands on her knees leans forward and says in a quiet voice.
I dont fink my python weally gives a phuck !
Getting a girl to have sex with me is like spreading butter. Easy with a knife.
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts.
He approaches her and says, "Miss, would ye let me bite ye breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite ye breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.
"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would ye let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he touches them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah," says the Scotsman. "Costs way too much."
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He approaches her and says, "Miss, would ye let me bite ye breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite ye breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.
"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would ye let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he touches them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah," says the Scotsman. "Costs way too much."
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A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
It's either incomplete or gramatically wrong.
No it's not.
To me, it seems like you don't understand it
To me, it seems like you don't understand it
Yes, it is. There is more than 1 person if they walk into a bar. One person walks into a bar.
You tried to ruin the joke. You failed. Live with it :p