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Onderwerp: »[NON-NT]Nanook
i actually said he should NOT be punished for the loophole :)
It is alright. The title is more accurate now. I am nothing if not accurate. And flatulent. That too.
For those that don't believe that I am unqualifed to run the NT, watch my transfer lists in the next 48-72 hours. I should buy and sell about $25m in players. :)
Being relegated, I don't need a ridiculously good old keeper any more. So I bought a 22 year old that was -1 in passing and -3 in pace. He'll be as good as Kast in 2 seasons. Hopefully, I'll be back in the ML by then.
PS Look at the two strikers I have up for bid. Sesa and Kreevald are going next as soon as I get a pop or two or get a fair offer for either.
PS Look at the two strikers I have up for bid. Sesa and Kreevald are going next as soon as I get a pop or two or get a fair offer for either.
My popularity continues to rise exponentially, as I continue to receive no support in favor of my running the NT. Perhaps it is time, now that my political capital is even better, to provide another thought on why I am completely incapable of running the NT.
I firmly believe that Sokker Players should be forced to wear the cheerleaders' (who, by the way, should be ugly to forestall hanky panky) spiked heels when playing. This will inevitably cause the team's heels to sink into the mud and get them stuck. You might think that this is a bad idea, as it would clearly slow them down to, well, no pace at all. But NO, I say. This would strangely help their performance. You see, the opposing team will obviously start taking us for granted, and likely will break into hysterics. When this happens, we will strike. We will jump out of said spiked heels, and run randomly around the pitch in our socks screaming "Where, oh where have my spikey heels gone. Where oh where are they?" When the Poles/French/New Guineans (in honor of my guinea pig dying yesterday, I put that as a country) fall over, we will run up to them, fart on them, and then score.
Brilliance, yes?
I firmly believe that Sokker Players should be forced to wear the cheerleaders' (who, by the way, should be ugly to forestall hanky panky) spiked heels when playing. This will inevitably cause the team's heels to sink into the mud and get them stuck. You might think that this is a bad idea, as it would clearly slow them down to, well, no pace at all. But NO, I say. This would strangely help their performance. You see, the opposing team will obviously start taking us for granted, and likely will break into hysterics. When this happens, we will strike. We will jump out of said spiked heels, and run randomly around the pitch in our socks screaming "Where, oh where have my spikey heels gone. Where oh where are they?" When the Poles/French/New Guineans (in honor of my guinea pig dying yesterday, I put that as a country) fall over, we will run up to them, fart on them, and then score.
Brilliance, yes?
Brilliance yes, oh great non-leader of the non NT.
ah! the true essence of development is shown in this non-candidacy! truly all should non-bow to this non-candidate!
I'll miss this thread when it's gone.
But not as much as I'd miss cheese if it were to be taken away.
And yes even blue.
Not red though.
But not as much as I'd miss cheese if it were to be taken away.
And yes even blue.
Not red though.
I challenge Mr. Llama, clearly another highly unqualified non-candidate to a debate about why we each lack merit to run the NT! And Fro, Dio and Barndog can judge the biggest loser (no comments about the tv show and copyright infringement, please).
I think that Fro has to play the Paula Abdul role, since he's got that wacky hairdo.
I think that Fro has to play the Paula Abdul role, since he's got that wacky hairdo.
I recognize that you have all been impatiently awaiting my decision about whether I shall rule for NT. I have received literally ZERO emails begging me to continue not to run for this esteemed position. Well, let no one suffer undue misery caused by unneeded malcontent. I hereby announce that I will continue to be unwilling to run for NT COACH
(I now pause to await the thunderous applause from you all that will surely cleave the heavens in twain, and to await the inevitable "Huzzah, Huzzah" chants that are already springing up.
I have decided that many of you have more important things to do than to read this entire thread, so I consolidated my brilliance below. I will do a SECOND immediately after this one to promulgate my next critically-important-conclusion-about-how-I-am-unable-to-coach-the-US-NT-to-victory!
1) Mediocrity rules, so every team gets ties in every game;
2) Everyone gets a new pair of cleats, because looking good is critical to success in life.
3) A chicken in every pot (hopefully, an American out there recognizes that quote).
4) Universal good healthcare only for players I like. Players I don't like get rusty scalpels and used bandaids.
5) Americans like cleanliness, so I’ll provide all players with Extra Strength deodorant. I will also force the … hygienically challenged … to shower after every game.
6) I plan to be a particularly environmentally concerned NT coach. I believe in alternative fuels. I therefore plan to feed the teams baked beans smothered in heavy cream. The resulting flatulence will poower the team bus. Each player will be given a motorless go-cart, which will be able to be attached to the back of the bus and dragged hither and yon.
7) I am unconcerned about funding. I will ensure that there are a fair share of goons on the team. Growing up as I did a Flyers fan, I have a healthy respect for the usefulness of a butt-kicking or two to win a game. The Hansen Brothers from Slapshot are my heros. I will therefore use said goons as my personal "Anti-stench" unit. Their main job in this role will be to go out to a middle-of-nowhere CVS wherever the team plays (or some other drug store in less civilized nations), beat the crap out of the counter clerk, and steal enough deodorant as is necessary to maintain proper odorous decorum.
8) I believe that the Swine Flu actually is the beginning stages of an invasion from little aliens from the planet Flugenspaskie. To that end, I believe that any NT team that I am not running should in any event form the vanguard of the newly formed Earth Planetary Environmentally Consciencious Appropriately Impressive Defense Establishment (EPECAIDE for short). The Team should be prepared at any time to drop their shorts, raise their shinguards proudly in the air, and wiggle their ... parts ... at invaders, terrifying the intruders with the team's impressive manliness. Once the aliens are aware of our pulchritude, they will run, taking the Swine Flu with them to terrorize the Martians.
9) I am of the unshakable firm belief that the NT should be required to wear spandex undergarments that have special locks precluding their removal by anyone but team mascot Mr. Llama. See, there is no question that players try harder when motivated. Motivation can come in many forms - money, booze, drugs, rock and roll, rusty scuppers, and of course, navel lint.
10) However, there is one factor that I believe will get players to try harder - gonad pressure. Let's say that we make the team wear spandex underwear that is waaaaay too tight. The squeezing will be uncomfortable. If we tell them that Mr. Llama will not remove said shorts unless they win, then I am certain that even girly man Stokes will run just a bit faster, increasing the average pace rating by one full level. And of course should they lose the game, the shorts stay on, making them all chafed and desperate to urinate for a week, which should lead to much leaping about by the team and amusement from the rest of us.
11) Cheese. That's right. Cheese. It comes in many colors - yellow, white, yellowish-white and green from mold (well, forget that last one, as it is clearly not a good role model for cheesiness). I believe that a consistent diet limited to all forms of cheese will make the team's digestion work improperly, causing them to omit flatulence uncontrollably. The smell will distract our opponents, and the force of the ejected air will add 1/2 level of pace to their normal, cheese-less stats. Cheese. Make them eat it. Yes.
12) I firmly believe that Sokker Players should be forced to wear the cheerleaders' (who, by the way, should be ugly to forestall hanky panky) spiked heels when playing. This will inevitably cause the team's heels to sink into the mud and get them stuck. You might think that this is a bad idea, as it would clearly slow them down to, well, no pace at all. But NO, I say. This would strangely help their performance. You see, the opposing team will obviously start taking us for granted, and likely will break into hysterics. When this happens, we will strike. We will jump out of said spiked heels, and run randomly around the pitch in our socks screaming "Where, oh where have my spikey heels gone. Where oh where are they?" When the Poles/French/New Guineans (in honor of my guinea pig dying yesterday, I put that as a country) fall over, we will run up to them, fart on them, and then score.
(gewijzigd)
(I now pause to await the thunderous applause from you all that will surely cleave the heavens in twain, and to await the inevitable "Huzzah, Huzzah" chants that are already springing up.
I have decided that many of you have more important things to do than to read this entire thread, so I consolidated my brilliance below. I will do a SECOND immediately after this one to promulgate my next critically-important-conclusion-about-how-I-am-unable-to-coach-the-US-NT-to-victory!
1) Mediocrity rules, so every team gets ties in every game;
2) Everyone gets a new pair of cleats, because looking good is critical to success in life.
3) A chicken in every pot (hopefully, an American out there recognizes that quote).
4) Universal good healthcare only for players I like. Players I don't like get rusty scalpels and used bandaids.
5) Americans like cleanliness, so I’ll provide all players with Extra Strength deodorant. I will also force the … hygienically challenged … to shower after every game.
6) I plan to be a particularly environmentally concerned NT coach. I believe in alternative fuels. I therefore plan to feed the teams baked beans smothered in heavy cream. The resulting flatulence will poower the team bus. Each player will be given a motorless go-cart, which will be able to be attached to the back of the bus and dragged hither and yon.
7) I am unconcerned about funding. I will ensure that there are a fair share of goons on the team. Growing up as I did a Flyers fan, I have a healthy respect for the usefulness of a butt-kicking or two to win a game. The Hansen Brothers from Slapshot are my heros. I will therefore use said goons as my personal "Anti-stench" unit. Their main job in this role will be to go out to a middle-of-nowhere CVS wherever the team plays (or some other drug store in less civilized nations), beat the crap out of the counter clerk, and steal enough deodorant as is necessary to maintain proper odorous decorum.
8) I believe that the Swine Flu actually is the beginning stages of an invasion from little aliens from the planet Flugenspaskie. To that end, I believe that any NT team that I am not running should in any event form the vanguard of the newly formed Earth Planetary Environmentally Consciencious Appropriately Impressive Defense Establishment (EPECAIDE for short). The Team should be prepared at any time to drop their shorts, raise their shinguards proudly in the air, and wiggle their ... parts ... at invaders, terrifying the intruders with the team's impressive manliness. Once the aliens are aware of our pulchritude, they will run, taking the Swine Flu with them to terrorize the Martians.
9) I am of the unshakable firm belief that the NT should be required to wear spandex undergarments that have special locks precluding their removal by anyone but team mascot Mr. Llama. See, there is no question that players try harder when motivated. Motivation can come in many forms - money, booze, drugs, rock and roll, rusty scuppers, and of course, navel lint.
10) However, there is one factor that I believe will get players to try harder - gonad pressure. Let's say that we make the team wear spandex underwear that is waaaaay too tight. The squeezing will be uncomfortable. If we tell them that Mr. Llama will not remove said shorts unless they win, then I am certain that even girly man Stokes will run just a bit faster, increasing the average pace rating by one full level. And of course should they lose the game, the shorts stay on, making them all chafed and desperate to urinate for a week, which should lead to much leaping about by the team and amusement from the rest of us.
11) Cheese. That's right. Cheese. It comes in many colors - yellow, white, yellowish-white and green from mold (well, forget that last one, as it is clearly not a good role model for cheesiness). I believe that a consistent diet limited to all forms of cheese will make the team's digestion work improperly, causing them to omit flatulence uncontrollably. The smell will distract our opponents, and the force of the ejected air will add 1/2 level of pace to their normal, cheese-less stats. Cheese. Make them eat it. Yes.
12) I firmly believe that Sokker Players should be forced to wear the cheerleaders' (who, by the way, should be ugly to forestall hanky panky) spiked heels when playing. This will inevitably cause the team's heels to sink into the mud and get them stuck. You might think that this is a bad idea, as it would clearly slow them down to, well, no pace at all. But NO, I say. This would strangely help their performance. You see, the opposing team will obviously start taking us for granted, and likely will break into hysterics. When this happens, we will strike. We will jump out of said spiked heels, and run randomly around the pitch in our socks screaming "Where, oh where have my spikey heels gone. Where oh where are they?" When the Poles/French/New Guineans (in honor of my guinea pig dying yesterday, I put that as a country) fall over, we will run up to them, fart on them, and then score.
(gewijzigd)
13) For lucky number thirteen, I shall promote my to-date least likely to be effective strategy for US international dominance. (I forewent saying "World" dominance, because as you can tell from the World Series, well, the world really isn't much involved in that kind of tournament, unless you consider a city in Canada sufficient to make it "world" anything).
We need to change the logo on the team's uniform. It is NOT scary enough. Heck, it isn't even really very interesting in a fashion or functional sort of way. Our jersey MUST have an impact, if nothing else so we can look imposing as we continue our international "futbol" futility. My plan:
Black background - the team will sweat more, resulting in body odor (see #6). The greasy shirts will also make it harder for those damn polish NT players to cheat the way they do by grabbing on and dragging us down. The bastards.
NO names- Our players aren't good enough yet to deserve them. The names get added one letter at a time, based on performance. That way, we'll have players running around the field with names like "A Bog" and "Out"
Logo - Chuck Norris' face leering in anger. The fear, nay, petrification our opponents will experience can only be imagined. Can you picture some Estonian imaginary player gazing at Norris' rictus, and recognize they he is DOOMED? For those that do not know, here are some of the newly discovered facts about Himself that will inspire our foes to wet themselves:
a) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
b) Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
c) Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
d) Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
e) Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
f) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
We need to change the logo on the team's uniform. It is NOT scary enough. Heck, it isn't even really very interesting in a fashion or functional sort of way. Our jersey MUST have an impact, if nothing else so we can look imposing as we continue our international "futbol" futility. My plan:
Black background - the team will sweat more, resulting in body odor (see #6). The greasy shirts will also make it harder for those damn polish NT players to cheat the way they do by grabbing on and dragging us down. The bastards.
NO names- Our players aren't good enough yet to deserve them. The names get added one letter at a time, based on performance. That way, we'll have players running around the field with names like "A Bog" and "Out"
Logo - Chuck Norris' face leering in anger. The fear, nay, petrification our opponents will experience can only be imagined. Can you picture some Estonian imaginary player gazing at Norris' rictus, and recognize they he is DOOMED? For those that do not know, here are some of the newly discovered facts about Himself that will inspire our foes to wet themselves:
a) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
b) Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
c) Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
d) Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
e) Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
f) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.